It’s amazing….

I'm at work, so I'll keep this short.  But I find it quite fascinating at how things can change.  There are times when you think you've been hurt so bad you'll never recover.  And then you do.    And it's incredible.  Times when you think you'll never smile again, and then one day, you find it impossible to stop smiling.  You think you'll never forgive someone for what they put you through, and then you do.  Or maybe you don't.  Maybe you just get to the point where you just don't care.  That happens sometimes too.  Either way, you find out you are so much better off.  I've been looking back lately.  And the things that seemed so severe to me before…aren't bad at all now.  It's amazing how there's a certain someone who can make you smile so hard it hurts.  Someone who can restore your faith entirely (or mostly, anyway) someone who can enjoy just kicking back in a hammock with you at the Burning Nun, even though it's friggin hot in there.  And have no complaints.  Someone who will gladly watch crappy horror movies with you again, but only if you remind them of who the killer is, lol.  Someone who understands the fascination you have with rain…and storms….  There are times that you think you'll never be happy again, and then, when it comes, and you realize it, it's such a surprise.  You thought you'd never be able to care for anyone again, and then you do.   Life is funny sometimes.  There's this great quote from Sweet Home Alabama, where one actress says, "It's funny how things don't work out."  To which, Reese Witherspoon simply replies, "It's funny how they do."   It is odd how things work out.  But in the last six months I have gained so many valuable friends.  And I think I've finally reached the point where I know exactly what I want.  And there's no doubts, no regrets, nothing but excitement.  Everything is sort of coming together.  And it makes me happy.

What to say?

    I couldn't really think of an insightful title or anything, lol.  I'm horrible at it these days.  My mind isn't much on writing.  I've been staying busy.  And soon I hope to have a celebration.  Maybe Thursday night with my friends at the Nun.  I am officially done with Express and therefore feel the need to rejoice, lol.  I love my new job.  And it sort of amazes me how things have changed for me.  I look back on older entries, and I see who I was and how I was feeling, and I feel completely different now.  I feel fine really.  I don't miss that me, the one who was sad and felt hopeless.  Let me just say, sometimes you just need your security blanket to talk you through things.  It helps to hear other people's stories and it helps to know that someone out there needs you in some way.  I care a lot about my security blanket.  I guess I was standing on the edge, sort of getting ready to fall and hit rock bottom and let it all go.  And he pulled me back up, without even realizing it, I think.  I can never thank him enough for it. Not to mention hiking across town from Big Spring Park to Maple Hill with a friend can do wonders.  And sitting in the park with said friend for hours talking is such good therapy.  And smiles are more valuable than most people will ever realize.    Life is good.  Life is beautiful.  Life is a crazy kind of ride, lol….

I have learned the value of French Onion Sunchips….

    Dear God, it's like crack for dogs!!  I was attacked and nearly mauled, all for the value that a green bag holds!  True, they are tasty chips.  I won't argue that.  But oh my Lord!  My right arm is sore from the dog gnawing on it in a futile attempt to climb across both me and my laptop to get to the little shiny bag.  And then she became preoccupied with a houseshoe.  Good sign, right?  She had something else to focus on.  Well, sometimes I think it's funny to try and scare her, so I put the houseshoe on my hand and made some funny noises.  Ordinarily, she would've run away and we would have all laughed.  No, not when she's hyped up on French Onion powder.  She got all brave.  Decided to attack the shoe.  And consequently me, as I was attached to it.  Obviously Pappi needed a trip outside.  After running around and trying to herd both me and Heather, she resorted to tossing a tennis ball herself and catching it…or at least chasing it.  And then she came inside.  And I thought she had calmed down.  But when she saw that houseshoe again, she went nuts.  So needless to say, I have barracaded myself inside the safety of my room.  And it's quiet out there…too quiet….

I could so put an odd title here….

     Like, "Today, I peed in a cup."  lol…the truth is, yeah I had to go take a drug test for Corr today.  The good news is, I was used to it, thanks to two summers at Wal-Mart.  The sad news is–I was used to it.  How often can someone say, "Yeah, I'm used to drug tests," without having actually USED drugs??  "I've taken three drug tests in the last three years, and I've been clean for–well, forever."  lol

    But something amazing happened today.  Granted, it's been pretty nice lately, but today, it was amazing.  One, Heather found her wedding dress.  I was the first to see it and that makes me feel so special, lol.  But she found it!  It's beautiful and she looks like a princess and it's absolutely PERFECT.  What's even hilarious is that she found it at David's Bridal, which we have heard is not a good place to search for dresses.  And we had already went to another dress shop and we were just going into David's Bridal to mess with their heads.  She had no intention of finding her dress there.  But she did, and it's beautiful and I wanted to cry when I saw her in it.

    I have learned the value of a smile.  Smiling is…fantastic.  I can't believe that I'm writing that.  I mean, that's pretty weird to say that I've learned the value of a smile.  But they are so…good.  Okay that's it, I'm done.  I can't do this anymore.  I'm sounding way too much like an idiot.  lol…anyway, maybe later I can write more.    

Insomnia: blessing or curse?

    Okay so I love being a night owl…if vampires existed, I would be perfectly happy to be bitten by one and live the nightlife.  If I was pagan, I'm sure I would adore the moon goddess or whatever.  (As you can probably tell, I don't know much about the pagan religions….)  But considering I have a day job, insomnia is not a good thing lately.  It isn't that I can't sleep period, it's just I seem to want to sleep the day away.  And then enjoy being up all frickin night long.  Despite my quest to find time to soak up some sun, I am not all that daytime oriented.  I love the night–when the fog creeps in and hides everything, and the quiet settles over the apartment.  Night is more peaceful, and definitely mysterious.  And I guess because night is associated with sleep, and dreams are therefore tacked on with that act, the darkness has a beautiful dream like quality to it.  In the past few weeks, I have reveled in the dark, driving up to Monte Sano by myself, sitting on the side of the road and watching the wind toss the trees.   I prefer the light of the moon, the stars sprinkled across the sky, the clouds coming in on a summer breeze.  The way the sense seem heightened–it's incredible.  Heaven knows if I had the gas in the car right now, I would drive up to Monte Sano and hike up the trail to the top.  I used to be frightened of being in the dark by myself.  But lately, I love it.  In the dark, you can dream.  The wishes you want seem much more real in the blanket of night then they do in the harsh sunlight of day.  I guess because shadows can conceal anything, but the sunlight pushes those away.  It forces you to see.

    I don't really think this had much to do with insomnia.  I like the night.  That's basically what it comes down to, lol…. 

Learning how to choose your allies….

  You would think this would be a tricky process.  Not so.  It really is just the plain and simple common sense of knowing where your possible allies connections lie.  Par example, I know now where certain loyalties of those surrounding me lies.  And therefore, I know which ones are trustworthy and which ones aren't.  I also know which ones have such strong loyalties that they are blind to the other facts that exist.  Therein, I have learned which people can be trusted with which facts.  And which people have to be part of my damage control now.  Oddly enough, and I guess this speaks in my favor, in my search to find allies only one person has proven to be against me.  Well, not quite against me, but rather for the other side.  Stronger towards the other side, anyway.  I think really it comes down to the fact that this person likes both sides, but simply falls more towards the other side.  Obviously, this person can only be told choice information.

    Sadly I think that is all the advice I have to offer on picking allies.  It all depends on the loyalties!  Sigh…no more cookies late at night for me I don't think this post made any sense at all and therefore anyone who reads it should disregard it…lol….

Nunning it….

    It's Huntsville.  It's a Saturday night.  Your roomies are out of town and you're feeling a wee bit antisocial.  What better place to head to than the Burning Nun?  Here you can get a little peace and quiet.  You can have the time to reflect on the recent happenings in your life or you can choose to block everything out and enjoy some music and random conversation from those around you.  I must say that I am enjoying sitting up here on the lower loft on the couch all by myself quite a bit.  They have fans blowing, and some windows open here and there.  However, I am fighting memories right now.  Trying to avoid thinking about them.  Instead, I am focusing on the relaxed nature of the place.  Talking to friends on IRC and just generally trying to pass the time till the Nun closes and I have to head back to the apartment by myself.  I have found that I am an extremely social person.  Being by myself does not suit me.  Sometimes I enjoy the peace and quiet.  But, truth be told, I have to smile when I'm in my room being antisocial and then hear Heather talking to Matt or the dog.  I'm glad I'm living with someone and not just by myself.  This past week was lonely enough.

    I have so strayed away from leaving a philosophical point in my posts.  I'm not feeling very philosophical right now.  I'm not really caring about much right now.  I've slid into a sort of apathetic lifestyle.  Now that kind of does suit me.  I've heard of people before who could turn their emotions on and off and I sort of pitied them.  I thought the reason they were turning off their emotions was because they didn't want to face it or deal with it.  Now that I have begun to acquire this ability, I see the appeal.  It makes things much, much easier.  We aren't avoiding them–in a way, shutting them off is our way of dealing with it.  It's how we are comfortable.  I feel odd to have joined this group.  I find that one of the most common feelings now is the sensation I have stepped outside of everyone else.  I feel apart from some of them.  Sitting over dinner tonight with Joel and his friend Andrew, and their friend Pat, and his fiancee Jennifer, I felt very much apart from them, not just because I don't share their familiar connections, but because of this newfound ability.  I can't believe now that I pitied people like me before.  If I had known what it was like, I would have envied them.  It's such a bizarre notion, to be able to turn them off completely, but it's such a fascinating ability.  It's amazing what it can do.  It lets you breathe, lets you see.  It pushes out the pain or whatever else you're feeling and suddenly it doesn't exist.  And if it doesn't exist, how can it bother you?

Dear Julie…

    Yes this is from yourself…no it doesn't matter why I am writing the letter to you at 3 a.m.  Call it temporary insanity.  But I want you to be able to look back and read this post in a while (at the very least a few weeks) and see something then that you cannot see now.  I would love to be able to impart some beautiful wisdom to you, something deep and significant.  Sadly, right now I'm probably not in the best state of mind to be imparting wisdom to anyone.  Or maybe I am.  Maybe sadness doesn't necessarily breed regrets.  I don't know.  Anyway, the point is, to my future self, first of all: don't hold back.  Suck it up and tell the truth.  Admit to whatever you're feeling.  I haven't done this myself and I am asking questions about what would happen if I did.  Second: Look around at the beauty that surrounds you everyday.  Third:  Check your blasted voice mails the moment they come in! Fourth:  Document everything.  Not to breed paranoia or to protect yourself, but to save memories.  Memories are precious.  Fifth: Try not to be too cynical.  Those quotes are your wall mean something and at one time you believed in them.  Believe in them again.  Also, trust those charms: Believe, wish, inspire…dream, laugh, and most of all love.  Love is so very important.  Love yourself.  Love those around you.  Stop worrying about the small insignificant things–don't worry about whether or not certain people like you.  For every person that might not like you, there are probably at least a dozen who do. Smile…Try to be optimistic…encourage those you love…DON'T EVER LOSE YOUR FAITH!!

    To everyone else who reads this, don't take my advice to my future self.  Take the time to write your own letter to yourself.  And if you feel like it, post it in a comment.  I'm kind of curious to see what this post spawns. 

“Ti penso sempre”

"I would do anything for him…I would give him everything…il mio amore, my desperado, 'let somebody love you before it's too late.'" 

I thought this was a nice piece…I don't know why…. 

I did it….

    So I successfully read at Des' wedding…and she was impressed…also, Heather said, and I quote, about one of the readings, "I've never heard it read better."  That made me feel really good…such a relief to know I didn't let Des down…and I think Heather has a lot of confidence in me reading at her wedding in November now…all in all, I had a few compliments that made me feel really good about it….

    The reception wasn't great, but it was okay…it was gorgeous, but the photographer kept ticking me off…he staged everything, from the cutting of the cake, to the toasting, to everything else…and when it came time for the the couple's first dance, and the father-daughter dance, and the mother-son dance, the DJ cut all the songs short…Des and David's song was "Bless the Broken Road" and it barely made it past the second stanza…the father-daughter dance song was "Butterfly Kisses" and it didn't even make it to the part in the song about the girl getting married…and I don't even know how far into the song David and his mother got when they danced…thinking back now, I don't think they got very far before the DJ invited other family members to dance…this sort of reinforced Heather's wanting a band at her wedding…

    So the trip to Mobile was cool…very busy…but I'm glad to be back in Huntsville again…and I never, ever, EVER want to ride in a car with Heather's mom again…forget that…never again…I would rather hitchhike than ride with her again…needless to say, when I go to Mobile in November for Heather's wedding, I'm driving myself…and probably some of our friends…but that's it…I am striving to avoid any contact with Heather's mom…I don't need anymore crazy stories from her….